Marcus - Sweden - it's my life

I don’t really know how to start this.. My girlfriend has broken up with me. Or well at first she broke up and then said that it was for me, because she felt she couldn't treat me right, that she still had feelings for me. And then she asked me to wait, to give her time. I wish I would have said no, but I couldn't, she was the first girl that I've really loved. I mean I thought I knew what Love was before, but now I know I had no idea. Now I’ve been waiting for 3 weeks, I know it stupid of me.. The pain I feel now is unlike any other I've ever felt before, it sort of makes me feel sick.. Ones you felt the love from someone you get addicted, now you know what you're missing out on when you're alone.

We weren't even together for that long, about 4 months, but it was obviously enough. Now I don't know what to do! The best thing for me would be to confront her and force her to choose, but I sort of know what the answer would be, and it scares me. I'm even afraid she might say she wants me back. I mean, will I be able to trust her? I couldn't go through this again.
I'm heading off to do the military service in a couple of weeks, so we would only be able to meet during the weekends. And then I really had to trust her, trust that she wouldn’t do "something stupid". I even get jealous now when I know she's out with some guy friend or out partying. I have to stop myself from calling her late at night to see if she's sleeping at home.. alone. That's another thing I keep thinking about, what if I let her go? I can't stand the thought of her with another guy, it makes me sick. I guess everybody feels like this when they get dumped, wondering if they will ever meet a person like that again. Feels like she's one of a kind. She's kind but no pushover, she's such a strong person, usually very easy to talk to, that’s what I fell for I think. I'm not a big talker but I like to talk, so I like people who talk alot and make me talk. And she looks great but unlike most beautiful girls she doesn't act like she knows that everybody thinks so, she's very down to earth.

I forgot to tell you one thing, she's a pro golfer, that’s why she had so little time for me. And in a year she'll be going to the US to study and play golf for a year, or two or four.. So maybe it’s for the best to end it now? If it hurts this much after being together for 4 months, how would it feel after 16 months?! I mean, if I knew she would "only" be gone for a year then I might manage to wait for her, but to wait longer? I couldn't take it.
She called me yesterday and was so happy, she'd gotten the results back from the ACT test that she has to pass to go to USA, and she did. I was happy for her, but deep inside I knew that it takes her one step closer to USA. She's always so excited when she talks about it, like today when I bumped into her in town and we talked for a couple of minutes, she told me she had seen pictures of the schools she might go to and that she definetly wanted to stay for four years, I understand her, but I can't help feeling sad.

Despite all this, I wouldn't want it undone. I've learned a lot from this relationship. It will probably take a long time before I get over her. But I will never forget her.